The B word

I wrote the original version of The FGB for my eldest granddaughter, Kaylah Fassbender, in time to present it to her on her sixth birthday. The full name of the FGB refers to a certain very famous fashion doll whose name starts with “B”: Fairy Godmother B-----. In the original version I spelled out the actual name of the very famous fashion doll. Back when Kaylah was little (she’s now 14) I bought every B----- I found in The Hub, our local thrift shop. At one point, her collection included about 52 of these dolls, along with their various accessories and back stories that Kaylah herself invented.

Kaylah loved The FGB.

I sent the original version of The FGB to a certain toy company whose name starts with “M” five years ago because I knew I would need approval from M----- if I wanted to submit the story to publishers.

M----- owns the exclusive rights to B-----, which FYI reflects the state of affairs between powerful men and their nubile consorts in some parts of the real world. M----- is very possessive and very litigious.

As I skimmed the pending lawsuits on the Canadian trademark office’s website I couldn’t help noticing page after page of litigants that unwittingly used variations of B----- in their products or services that are completely unrelated to the fashion doll industry.

Therefore, along with the original story, I sent M----- a proposal in which I suggested that allowing such a story to be published would enhance the company’s prestige by showing the children who used its products that M----- has a sense of humour. I pointed out that the company’s famous doll, along with the bicycle, are likely the most useful, the most inspirational, and most memorable toys of the 20th century. I warned that if I wasn’t allowed to publish the story in its original form, I’d simply change the name of the eponymous character.

The verdict arrived with lawyerly certitude: Not a chance. I changed the name of the eponymous character to Fairy Godmother Beauty. This upped the spoof factor in my story because every female my age and younger knows very well who Beauty really is. I don’t think M----- can trademark beauty, but I’m sure the company will send me a Cease and Desist if I’m wrong.

Team work

Kaylah Fassbender, my eldest granddaughter, co-authored Ostriches Run in Our Family with me a few years ago. The spark for the story arrived out of the blue way back when Kaylah and her dad, my son Bryant, lived close by. Their yellow house backed onto a large farm in Blakeney, a small village just outside Almonte, Ontario. Among the various animals wandering around the huge space was an ostrich. I’d often find the ostrich peering over Kaylah’s fence, staring pensively at Kaylah’s small flock of chickens. The ostrich would run away when I approached, and the speed of its running gave me the title of a story idea. All I needed was the story.

I mentioned all of this to Kaylah. “Let’s write the story together,” she said. And that’s what we did. For two months Kaylah and I bounced story ideas around each Tuesday when she came to visit. She opened doors to the plot that I hadn’t imagined, conceived the cast of characters I would never have dreamed up myself. She created Zoo Haven, a retirement home for former circus animals, likely inspired by Kaylah’s own visits to her late great grandmother in a local long-term care home. (This was before COVID-19.) Nannaphant, Grampa Greybeard, the Uncle Monks, the Old Keeper and of course Flora the ostrich are all Kaylah’s literary children, and it was she, as their creator, who told their back story.

I can’t describe how much fun I had working with my granddaughter on this story, and I suspect she also had fun. I could see the brightness in her eyes when we were really lost in creative flow, lobbing ideas at each other. I sent the finished typescript off to a few small publishers, mostly to show Kaylah how the publication process worked, and was happy to read the compliments they returned. One publisher apologized for keeping our story for four months and went on to explain the story was short listed for publication. It took the full four months to make the rounds of reviewers. In the end, our story wasn’t selected but we got pretty darn close!

You’ll notice the humans in the story don’t actually hear the animals talking to each other. That’s intentional: one publisher insisted it wouldn’t read anything that included anthropomorphic talking animals. I guess that means that the spider called Charlotte and the bear called Winnie the Pooh wouldn’t make the cut for that publisher either. So go ahead and imagine that you can hear the animals in our story talking to each other. (That’s what we do.)

The Republic of Wisdom

Heidi and Susie, my 9-year-old twin granddaughters, are a force majeure in the house they share with their three siblings, a space ready-made for them but that takes some getting used to for those accustomed to tranquility. There is a blue Siamese named Kyle, a Maine coon named Tiguan, a chihuahua named Odie and a chicken named Queen who has her own bedroom-box in the family room where she sleeps every night to escape the mean girls in the outside coop. There are free range Guinea pigs, Mary and Oreo, and two ducks, one Wiggle, the other Quack. The children take this in stride. There’s an order to the chaos though you have to look hard to find it.

The twins don’t amuse themselves with toys. Why would they bother? What toy could compete with all that going on under their roof? Of course, they have bikes but that’s about it, toy-wise. What preoccupies both is the daily business of finding inventive ways to drive their mother, my elder daughter, batty. There are few days when they don’t come up with something new.

All to say the antics of the real Heidi and Susie, their comic misunderstandings of why things happen as they do, is what inspired their fictional selves to get in and out of trouble in The Republic of Playdough. Socates, the story’s deus ex machina, offers young readers wise counsel, but the small black cat with the white socks cannot replace the wisdom of parents who might want to discuss some of the safety issues that bedevil the characters in the story.